Tuesday, January 11
sometimes i wonder why the call of duty is so strong. even as a junior years ago.. we never questioned instructions. maybe i'm used to obeying. i mention this because some people in my present class obviously aren't, but that's none of my business and i don't have to care.
rushing jan's present like crazy. i'm so busy.. just finished playing an hour of piano. i realise the more i have to think about the better i play.. more emotions to feed on, to give i guess. maybe i'll just have to do my files and notebooks another day.. i'm such a procrastinator. just got off the phone.. really tired.. my eyes can't keep open but i have to finish the present. i know she won't be reading this anytime soon so harhar.
talking to you just now, i thought about my new class... how maybe i'm nothing but an intellectual snob afterall, which does not make sense, seeing how they should be looking down on me.. i am nothing. but i can't endure meaningless conversations. somehow i'm fine with long silences on the phone while we're all doing our own work and it's comfort enough to just know someone else is breathing on the other side.. but having superficial conversations with people you can't trust yet.. it's not my cup of tea. i loved crapping with you girls, but i trusted you. it didnt matter what i said, you'd still love me anyway. i miss you. it made my day when you called and the first words you said were hi mel just want you to know i love you and i'm missing you. :) all i can say.. is.. ditto to you.
i wore christine's uniform to school today. someone noticed the green collar. all day i kept touching the tie, and holding the badge in my palm.. don't worry i used a non-prefect badge. it felt good enough that some part of her was still with me. in a tangible way, now that she's so far away. i named the cabbage patch kid botak. actually my mum named it.. when she saw it on my bed she was like ehh you brought botak home arh.. cos when i was a kid i had one and she called it botak. so erh yes. chris's baby is called botak for now.. til she comes back in a few years. and i'm reading dracula.. only i can't read gothic or horror novels at night alone. you're all a part of my life in some way or other, i couldn't get rid of you even if i wanted to try. tomorrow's a pretty heavy day, 3 lectures. i'm trying to rush the present. my hands are cracking from washing endless dishes. i wish we could be together again, but i know it's impossible.
maybe i should stop telling people i'm crooked.. a joke is a joke but if word gets back i'm dead. but at the same time.. i love shocking people. hmm. anyway even if i admitted to being straight now no one would believe me.. cos i'm always staring at the interesting girl from 2 classes away with the funky hair and nice side profile.. and talking about her.. and whenever my classmates talk to her and i'm next to them i kind of want to sink through the ground.. hahaha. don't worry i don't crush her or anything. i just like her side profile. plus boredom i guess? hc doesn't have much eyecandy. so when you see funky hair you tend to take a second and third and fourth glance. or maybe it's just me? darn.
i'm so confused. not about the above, i don't give a damn about it. except the bit about me dying. i.. just don't know whom to trust. or why or when or how. i want to trust them but i don't know them. i want to tell them, this isn't really
me. yeah it's me, but it isn't all that i am, so don't judge me yet. you haven't seen all of me, don't judge me yet. maybe it gets worse maybe it doesn't.. but you haven't seen all of me yet.
it must've been love.
10:55 pm
xoxo
